Eschatology

I am late. The alarm did not go off as planned and now I am running to catch a bus. I can't remember if I locked the door to my house, which is probably just as well since I don't know where my keys are. And there goes my bus. The rain begins. I have no umbrella.

.... Seems I did remember to lock the door after all.

Me: God, what gives?

God: Oh, is it you again?

Me: Yes. Really? Late for work, missed transportation and crap weather? Really? Is this that funny?

God: um... well... I mean you can't just go blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong in your life. You had the free will to set your alarm clock and grab an umbrella.

Me: That is a lousy excuse and you know it. How about a little divine intervention here? You could have sent a song bird to wake me up. You could have cleared a patch of sky for me to walk in.

God: Oh cause you're so special?


Me: Apparently I'm special enough for you to piss all over for a good laugh.

God: Well now, that's different.

Me: How? How could that possibly be different?

God: That's just good entertainment.

(A good minute or two of silence.)

Me: So, let me get this straight. You're telling me that you actually give me hard days for your own personal amusement?

God: And the angels. They love a good giggle.

Me: WHAT? I'm you're freaking sitcom?

God: Your modesty becomes you. Honestly, you'd think you're the only thing good on.

Me: So, when my best friend found out she had a seafood allergy because of the one time I finally coaxed her into trying shrimp?

God: Oh me, I fell off the couch! Couldn't have written it better my... *cough*... well you know what I mean.


Me: So that's the big secret to why bad shit happens for no good reason? It's not punishment or Karma or tests of faith? You're just making the fixings of a decent prime time tv show?

God: Well, now, I'm not responsible for wars or anything. You guys messed that up all on your own.

Me: But everything else?

God: Well... yeah.

Me: Daylight savings?

God: Yes.

Me: Paris Hilton.

God: You have to ask?

Me: All irony?

God: Actually, Irony is one guy. He's German and he loves lederhossen. But yes.

Me: Huh. Okay. Um, one more quick question. Why? (At this point my shoes make sloshing noises when I pace back and forth)

God: I'm omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, not devoid of a sense of humour.