I am late. The alarm did not go off as planned and now I am running to catch a bus. I can't remember if I locked the door to my house, which is probably just as well since I don't know where my keys are. And there goes my bus. The rain begins. I have no umbrella.
.... Seems I did remember to lock the door after all.
Me: God, what gives?
God: Oh, is it you again?
Me: Yes. Really? Late for work, missed transportation and crap weather? Really? Is this that funny?
God: um... well... I mean you can't just go blaming me for every little thing that goes wrong in your life. You had the free will to set your alarm clock and grab an umbrella.
Me: That is a lousy excuse and you know it. How about a little divine intervention here? You could have sent a song bird to wake me up. You could have cleared a patch of sky for me to walk in.
God: Oh cause you're so special?
Me: Apparently I'm special enough for you to piss all over for a good laugh.
God: Well now, that's different.
Me: How? How could that possibly be different?
God: That's just good entertainment.
(A good minute or two of silence.)
Me: So, let me get this straight. You're telling me that you actually give me hard days for your own personal amusement?
God: And the angels. They love a good giggle.
Me: WHAT? I'm you're freaking sitcom?
God: Your modesty becomes you. Honestly, you'd think you're the only thing good on.
Me: So, when my best friend found out she had a seafood allergy because of the one time I finally coaxed her into trying shrimp?
God: Oh me, I fell off the couch! Couldn't have written it better my... *cough*... well you know what I mean.
Me: So that's the big secret to why bad shit happens for no good reason? It's not punishment or Karma or tests of faith? You're just making the fixings of a decent prime time tv show?
God: Well, now, I'm not responsible for wars or anything. You guys messed that up all on your own.
Me: But everything else?
God: Well... yeah.
Me: Daylight savings?
God: Yes.
Me: Paris Hilton.
God: You have to ask?
Me: All irony?
God: Actually, Irony is one guy. He's German and he loves lederhossen. But yes.
Me: Huh. Okay. Um, one more quick question. Why? (At this point my shoes make sloshing noises when I pace back and forth)
God: I'm omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent, not devoid of a sense of humour.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Bus Game
I came up with this one when I had to take the bus to school everyday in high school. It's proved useful for any long transit ride or long wait in a line when you've finished your book and the music just isn't doing it for you. The point of it is to kill your boredom and pass time simultaneously.
1. Target acquired: Instead of looking out the window, look at the people around you. Pick someone interesting. Maybe he's only wearing one red shoe. Maybe she's got an eye patch. More likely you're find someone with interesting hair colour or a look of disdain while their texting.
2. Name: Now that you've selected your person, it's time to give them a name. I don't recommend anything too out there like Moon-Unit 12. I also don't recommend something as painfully generic as Jim Smith. For the sake of example, I've named my target Roger Steinway.
Note: The name has to fit the person's appearance and personality. The name is going to give you a lot of insight into step 3.
3. Background: So now you're look at Roger Steinway or whoever and it's time to make a life for them. Pull the little details into it. For example, Roger Smith has an incredibly high tech cell phone, a ring indent on his left ring finger and poor dress sense (Socks with sandals... no one can pull it off). From all this I have determined that Roger Steinway is:
a) A man recently divorced. He currently lives in a motel a the end of the bus line while he waits to the rest of his stuff moved out of his wife's house. He's colour blind and his ex-wife made all the money. Last time they were meeting the lawyers he stole her phone out of spite and has been calling up all her hot friends on speed dial for dates. So for only one has agreed.
b) Roger is a secret agent trying to look like a civilian. He takes his ring off on missions, hence the indent on the ring finger. His phone is the one give away. I mean a man that poorly dressed can't afford a piece of technology that swank. Even now as I see him talk on the cell he isn't saying anything. He's just nodding as though the person on the other end can see him. Clearly he is receiving information or directions or something spy related.
There you have it. Before you know it, you're nervous that you've blown a man's secret service cover and you've arrived at your destination cheerful and ready to go.
1. Target acquired: Instead of looking out the window, look at the people around you. Pick someone interesting. Maybe he's only wearing one red shoe. Maybe she's got an eye patch. More likely you're find someone with interesting hair colour or a look of disdain while their texting.
2. Name: Now that you've selected your person, it's time to give them a name. I don't recommend anything too out there like Moon-Unit 12. I also don't recommend something as painfully generic as Jim Smith. For the sake of example, I've named my target Roger Steinway.
Note: The name has to fit the person's appearance and personality. The name is going to give you a lot of insight into step 3.
3. Background: So now you're look at Roger Steinway or whoever and it's time to make a life for them. Pull the little details into it. For example, Roger Smith has an incredibly high tech cell phone, a ring indent on his left ring finger and poor dress sense (Socks with sandals... no one can pull it off). From all this I have determined that Roger Steinway is:
a) A man recently divorced. He currently lives in a motel a the end of the bus line while he waits to the rest of his stuff moved out of his wife's house. He's colour blind and his ex-wife made all the money. Last time they were meeting the lawyers he stole her phone out of spite and has been calling up all her hot friends on speed dial for dates. So for only one has agreed.
b) Roger is a secret agent trying to look like a civilian. He takes his ring off on missions, hence the indent on the ring finger. His phone is the one give away. I mean a man that poorly dressed can't afford a piece of technology that swank. Even now as I see him talk on the cell he isn't saying anything. He's just nodding as though the person on the other end can see him. Clearly he is receiving information or directions or something spy related.
There you have it. Before you know it, you're nervous that you've blown a man's secret service cover and you've arrived at your destination cheerful and ready to go.
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